The Great Indian Goof Fest

So past one week for me has been juggling between two weddings of really really close friends, and so the only thing on my mind right now is – no points for guessing – Rabdi! Who cares about the elections, or about the budget – all I can think about right now is the strategy to avoid the line and eat at these functions. (PS – Always start dessert first. Thank me later.)

So now with my PhD in Weddings, this is a guide to what I call the great Indian Goof fest (the biggest goof-up being that the shubh-est of the shubh mahurat coinciding with SulaFest.)

• Bling: Every wedding has some aunties wearing so much gold, that we can actually save on the cost of flood-lights. (Jara aunty ko iss taraf maarna. Ouch.) Pro Tip: Wear sunshades even at a night function. You would rather look blind than go blind!
• Rush: For some reason, we in India take ‘Vasudev Kutumbakam’ way too seriously, and end up inviting the whole country. And then have the audacity of packing everyone in a hall meant for 100 people! ‘Yeh kahan ka insaaf hai, my lord?)
• Queues: Queues and queues everywhere, that I almost start wondering if I am going to miss my flight. There is a queue right at the entrance, to meeting the groom and bride, and a longer one at food counters, and the longest one at the pani-puri wale bhaiya, because free ki pani puri ka maza hi kuch aur hai!
• Tansen: Well, I do not mean people who sing well, but people who think they sing well and snatch the mike to grace the occasion at the drop of a hat! Yes, those, who out of nowhere, between fun rituals, start giving background music!
• Kids: They are everywhere. They are the reason why the line at the rabdi stall is never ending. They are the reason why you always hear someone say – ‘mere pachees hazaar ki saadi pe sambar gira diya’. They are the reason why loud and noisy weddings get louder and noisier (and sometimes nosey-ier. Eww.)

And parents, please stop treating weddings as your own version of ‘India’s Got Talent’.

• Food: We all know most people attend weddings so that Uncle can give Aunty her weekly off – so that aunty in return will not crib for next six days. But that does not mean, we put every frigging dish on the surface of the planet in our buffet menu! The craziness around the amount of food, the type pf food, the variety of food, the wastage of food, just to hear – Par Sharmaji ki shaadi toh bahut thaat se hui, koi tod hi nahi!– is foolish, for a lack of a better (worse) word.

Well, probably all the points mentioned above are what make our weddings super crazy, super fun, and super chaotic. But, can we, by any means, make them a little shorter. Just tad-bit. ‘Kya? Kya? KYA?’ – Ok, no!

*Gets back to denting and painting. Pout.*